How To Win A Debate In The USA
I was once the Rockbrige Senior High School debate team. Yes, the entire debate team. Like an army of one.
I never lost any school matches because I only was debating myself. Okay, perhaps I lost a few of those debates too. When it comes to exercising better judgement, I often lose internal debates with myself now.
As the RSH debate team, I didn’t do badly. I won a few debates, generally lost. I didn’t have a coach. I travelled with the drama club to the tournaments. (They were often on the same day). I learned to dress nicer (more nicely?). However, learning to debate did teach me to appreciate the rules of debate and the importance of factual information. However, I have been living in Japan most of the last 27 years and therefore am out of touch with modern American anti-intellectualism.
Here is a debate rubric below. This was the criteria used to decide who wins a debate in the not-so ancient past. Please notice that “factual information” is at the top of the list. Ahem.
If we were to judge the presidential debates (2016) and the vice-presidential debates, based on this criteria, there is little question that Ms. Clinton and Mr. Kaine won the debates. However, apparently this old fashioned rubric neither applies or is simply not known by today’s media outlets or the general public. Although, I’d have to say that Mr. Pence would rank high on delivery. That smooth talking deep voice makes him sound super convincing, even if he were to claim that smoking doesn’t kill (which he once did in an ad), or that the earth is flat (which he may believe).
Because facts matter so little in the modern world, where Facebook and our news feed will give us only the news or pseudo-news that we want to know, and reinforce our own personal echo chamber, perhaps it’s time to simplify the debate rubric for the non-american audience. So here it is, a short compact list of what it takes to win a debate in the USA.
We hope this is of help to any native born citizen, or famous actor, willing to enter the exciting fact-challenged world of national or local politics. We also help that it well help those not blessed by God to have been born in the United States of America in understanding the nature of political discourse in this great land of ours.
HOW TO WIN A DEBATE IN THE USA (2016)
Declare yourself the winner before the debate starts.
Lie in a calm, modulated voice.
Be white, this automatically makes you right.
Be right, as to the political right. White multiplied by right=twice as right.
Ignore traditional debate rubric requirement for factual information
Speak in a deep manly voice.
Have penis.*
*In case of a tie, man who most persuasively argues he has bigger hands, regardless of actual hand size, wins.
*Memo:Spelling Fox News as Fux News in caption is intentional. That’s what it does to the news, and therefore seems more accurate.
